Cliff Notes for Ninjas
by Kaori
Summary: A series of Coulda Been Shinobi'sGuides. All of the stories that didn't meet my requirements for Guide status ended up here. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

I figured I'd post this when I had at least five finished chapters. That way I can torture you with the release times and still have enough fanfic left to play with.

Cliff Notes for Ninjas  
A series of "Coulda Been" Shinobi's Guides  
By Kaori

A/N: This story is based on an episode of Excel Saga and the way I remember high school. I also got some inspiration while reading Gaijin Smash (which is an awesome blog about a black guy teaching English in Japan; go for the dodgedick stay for the kancho assassins).

Part One: The Shinobi's Guide to Substitute Teaching

They had ranked this as a C-Ranked mission but in truth, it should have been at least a B-Rank. Why? Because any high school class has at least three terrorists in it (1) any more are merely echoes of the main three.

"Are you sure these kids aren't ninjas?" Shikamaru raised his eyebrows as he got to the part in the mission briefing where it stated that the math class broke open a pepper bomb they'd acquired and locked the new math teacher in the room with it (2).

"Positive." Said Tsunade.

"But if what is written here is true then I am going to need backup."

"I'm afraid I can't spare any chuunin and the jounin are out of the question."

"That's all right, I wasn't going to ask for that anyway…"

Fast-forward one week…

Principal Ayataka massaged his temples and sighed. The new substitute teachers were arriving today and this time he hoped they'd last more than a few hours.

"Ayataka-san," his secretary said over the intercom. "the substitutes are here."

"Send them in please, Fujisawa-san." He took a deep breath as the door opened.

"Wow this is a nice office." Whistled Naruto as he walked in. "No holes in the wall and broken windows like Baa-chan's office."

"Baka, half the holes and broken windows are your fault." Said Sakura. Shikamaru shot them both a "shut up already" look. Hinata poked her fingers nervously as she walked in and stood between Naruto and Shikamaru.

"Nara Shimamaru, Hyuuga Hinata, Uzumaki Naruto, and Haruno Sakura reporting for substitute teacher duty." Said Shikamaru dryly.

"Thank you for coming." Nodded Ayataka, who looked for all the world like someone in desperate need of a vacation. "You have no idea how much this means to me. The regular teachers will be back on Monday but I needed someone to replace them today and the last set of substitutes ran off screaming during third period yesterday. Are you sure you can handle this?"

"Sir, we're ninjas. If we can't handle it then who can?"

We shall now pray for the souls of the poor, doomed students…

FIRST PERIOD MATHEMATICS – Substitute Teacher Nara Shikamaru was written on the blackboard in large letters. None of the students seemed to notice this as they continued to cause a ruckus. There were nineteen in all and only five of them were somewhat quiet because four of them were playing poker in the back and fifth was somehow managing to sleep through the racket.

Shikamaru watched the scene in front of him and found it all too troublesome. He couldn't help but wonder if maybe he should have asked Sakura to take this class instead of asking her to teach Food & Nutrition. Resigning himself to his fate for the next forty-five minutes (3) Shikamaru made a handseal and snared the shadow of the nearest student; the sleeping one. Taking a breath he started headbanging consequently causing the aforementioned student's head to slam violently onto the desk. The noise and the spectacle got the classes immediate attention. Shikamaru released the jutsu.

"And if you don't want that to happen to you, you will stop acting like troublesome idiots and open your books to page 183. According to this note from your regular teacher, you are supposed to be reviewing hailstone numbers today (4)."

Naught but the sound of pages turning. The chuunin smirked.

Down the hall, Hinata was teaching literature. You would think this would be a problem knowing that most children hate to read (5) but the whole class was enthralled.

No, I take that back. The boys were enthralled and would glare and threaten the girls when they were about to do something disruptive. Why is this? Simple: they were all enraptured with the shy porcelain doll that is Hinata.

What the boys are thinking: "She's so cute.", "Such a delicate flower. No one must be allowed to tarnish such beauty with harsh words and actions.", "Speak again bright angel.", "I would do anything for Hinata-sensei…"

What the girls are thinking: "This is so boring…", "Who does she think she is.", "I didn't even want to be in this class and now I have to listen to some bitch?", "What's up with her eyes. Can you say freaky?"

Hinata, on the other hand, was just happy that the students seemed to be behaving themselves. "O…okay. Who wants to read…the n..next one?" All the boys' hands shot up. "Oh my…well then…why don't you all read it for me."

"Hai! Hinata-sensei!" the boys said in unison, blushing and fumbling with their books. "There is a Lady Sweet and Kind, Was never a face so pleased to mind; I did but see her passing by, And yet I'll love her til I die (6)."

"A..anou… That's very good, but you're supposed to be reading The Rime of the Ancient Mariner."

Sakura surveyed her class. "Thirteen girls and two boys, one of which has on more makeup than Kankuro." She thought. Out loud she said, "Welcome to Food and Nutrition, my name is Haruno Sakura and I'll be your substitute teacher today."

"Aww man, this one's not even hot." Grumbled the boy without the make-up. Sakura twitched. "And she's flat too!" Sakura twitched again. "I bet she'll use her chest as a cutting board." That did it…

"SHANNARO!" The boy suddenly found himself pinned to the back wall by knives. Sakura approached him, killing intent wafting off her in sinuous waves. "Anything _else_ you'd like to say?" she ran the flat side of the cleaver she was holding across his neck.

"no." he squeaked.

"Good." Purred Sakura, then turned around and smiled brightly at the class; the students were suitably terrified. "I trust we won't be having any more problems?"

"No ma'am." The class chorused. Some of the girls looked at Sakura in awe. The kunoichi thought it looked kind of familiar but she couldn't quite place it (7).

"Excellent. Take out your cooking utensils, today we're making consommé surprise."

Naruto was substituting for the gym teacher and was having significantly more trouble controlling his students than the others, mostly because he didn't want to kill them. Oh but the temptation (and Kyuubi) were starting to get to him.

"Aren't you kinda scrawny for a gym teacher?" one of the bastards asked. "Hell, even Kanta could bench press you and he's a pansy." To Kanta's credit, he was slightly more muscular than Naruto but not much taller.

"And what's with the orange track suit man? You on the prison bitch track team or something?" piped up somebody's soon to be dead son. More disparaging attacks on his person came until…

"And what's up with your face. You look like a retarded fox." That did it.

"Kage bunshin no jutsu!" cried Naruto. Twenty clones appeared, one behind each student "Konohagakure hidden: Taijutsu no Ougi: Sennin goroshi!"

The Chorus of Teenage Boys Screaming in Agony will be conducted by Uzumaki Naruto.

"All right class, today's activity is called Run Like a Little Bitch."

The day ended rather quickly and the regular faculty couldn't help but notice that some of the boys were walking funny and were covered in bruises and welts, a large group of boys were looking around frantically and muttering "Hinata-sensei", a group of girls was also muttering "Hinata-sensei" but had murderous looks in their eyes, and a second group of girls had been given detention when they were caught throwing knives at trees. The substitute teachers had disappeared the second the clock hit ten minutes after three (8)

Principal Ayataka was very pleased. He would make it a point to hire ninjas as substitute teachers in future. He would rethink that on Monday when the lawsuits from some of the parents came in.

1) In my class there were seven and by twelfth grade only one of them was left: me. I didn't get caught because I only went after the people who messed with me and I didn't do it during class (before and after school and during both break periods was more than enough time to get revenge; if not there was always the next day). Once they were gone I had no reason to misbehave. Plus, all my evil activities took place before and after school and during lunch.

2) Actually happened. Except in my case it was pepper spray and the Christian Ethics teacher (irony anyone?). All I know is that somebody turned on the fan and from the back row forward everyone (about 24 students including myself) started running. Most of us didn't know why we were running but we decided it was in our best interest to run since everyone else was running (like the black people that we are). The next thing I know, one of the guys shuts the door behind him with the teacher still in there coughing her lungs out. To this day I still don't know who actually did it but the whole class served detention for it since no one confessed and no one snitched on the perpetrator. Oh yeah, none of you guys do this. I don't care how much you hate your teacher pepper-spraying people who aren't out to kill/rob you is wrong.

3) Most of the classes at my school were forty-five minutes long unless you had the same class for two periods or that class was P.E.

4) Choose a positive integer. If it's even, divide by two. If your number is odd, multiply it by three and add 1. Take the number you get as the new positive number and repeat until you can't go any further. Try it and see what happens. This was one of the few things I learned in algebra that was the slightest bit interesting to me. Boolean algebra makes more sense to me than regular algebra.

5)Actually children hate being forced to read. Luckily for me, no one ever had to force me to read. I've been reading books since I was five years old and by seven I had quite a few pieces of classical literature and comprehend. I still love to read. In fact, once I'm done with this fic I'm going to go read Thief of Time by Terry Pratchett.

6) "There is a Lady Sweet and Kind" by Thomas Ford.

7) This is basically the "Sasuke is soooo cool!" look with a non-amorous tone.

8) My school started at 8:20 and let out at 3:10. Most of the other schools had the regular 8:00 – 3:00 schedule.


	2. Chapter 2

Gene Police! Get out of the pool!

Cliff Notes for Ninjas  
A series of "Coulda Been" Shinobi's Guides  
By Kaori

Part Two: The Shinobi's Guide to Amateur Dentistry

"Oooooh." Moaned Chouji, clutching his left cheek.

"You've been moaning like that for two days now, why don't you go see the dentist?" scolded Ino.

She, Chouji, and Shikamaru were hanging out on the roof of the Yamanaka family flower shop.

"No! He'll tell me can't eat like I want to!" Chouji protested. "Besides, it's just a little toothache…OWWWOWOW!" Shikamaru sighed.

"Open your mouth Chouji." The Akimichi complied. Shikamaru easily spotted the problem tooth. Who could not when it was practically turning black? "I'm no dentist but anyone can see that tooth needs to come out."

"No! No dentists!"

"Well, if you won't see the dentist I suppose we'll have to remove it ourselves." Ino said. "Shikamaru, yank it out."

"What! Why me?" glared Shikamaru.

"I'm not putting my hand in his mouth! Use your kagemane!"

"For that to work I'd have to remove my own tooth."

"So?"

"Mendokuse…"

"Owww…" groaned Chouji.

Shikamaru and Ino continued to argue until Mrs. Yamanaka came out and yelled at them for scaring away her customers.

Seeing as how Chouji was not going to agree to go to the dentist, and he'd be upset with them if they forced him using their families' respective jutsu, they had to resort to other methods.

Shikamaru finished tying the string around Chouji's rancid tooth as Ino tied the other end to the doorknob of a nearby closet door. It was a typical setup: slam the door, the string pulls taut and the offending tooth is pulled out. Simple, quick, and relatively painless; however the universe was conspiring against them…

SLAM!

"Awk!"

THUD!

Shikamaru blinked down at Chouji who was lying flat on his face. "That wasn't supposed to happen."

"Oowww…" moaned Chouji.

"Did it come out?" Ino asked, kneeling down to regard the Akimichi.

"No, it's still there and it hurts even more now." Chouji sat up and rubbed his jaw.

"Maybe we should use a shorter string." shrugged Shikamaru.

A shorter string was acquired and tied around Chouji's tooth and the doorknob.

SLAM!

"Awk!"

THUD

"Well, third time's the charm right?" Ino said, while Shikamaru helped Chouji up.

"No!" protested Chouji.

"All right, let's try something else." And she suddenly whipped out a pair of pliers. "Hold him down Shikamaru!" Chouji's eyes widened comically and he bolted. "Wow, I didn't know he could run that fast…"

Team 8 was out on a D-Rank mission for Hatake Kakashi of all people; buy fruits and vegetables for Uzumaki Naruto and then ensure that he eats them. Hinata was beet red the whole time they had been shopping, apparently fixated on the idea that she would have to go inside Naruto's apartment instead of hiding ineffectually behind the lampposts and staring at his door like usual. As she continued to agonize over this, she failed to pay adequate attention to the surrounding area and was completely bowled over when Chouji came running down the street. Kiba tripped him on his way past.

"What's the big idea, Chouji? You knocked poor Hinata down!" the dog-user demanded, Akanaru barking his displeasure as well as Shino helped the poor girl to her feet. Then he noticed the amount of terror the boy was radiating. "Geez, what's got you so spooked?" It was then that Ino and Shikamaru came bounding down the street.

"Chouji!" yelled Ino, waving the pliars around. Shino and Kiba raised their eyebrows and Chouji struggled in Kiba's grip.

"No! Don't let them get me!" he managed to shrug out of his green over shirt and ran off full tilt.

"You idiots you let him get away!" Ino screamed at them as she passed them. Now curious, Kiba gave chase as well. Shino, not wanting to go to Naruto's house with Hinata by himself (especially since Kiba would keep Naruto occupied and Hinata wouldn't faint as much) he followed as well. Naturally, Hinata would never go to Naruto's alone so she reluctantly joined the chase.

Up and down Konoha they raced, through restaurants (in which Chouji somehow managed to grab something to eat), around the Academy (several dozen times), past the Hokage Tower (and almost running over TenTen as she was coming out), and over the bridge where Team 7 usually met.

The teenagers finally caught up to their…portly friend when he tripped over Konohamaru and his friends' poorly disguised box. Kiba, panting slightly, demanded an explanation.

"Long story short, Chouji's got a tooth that seriously needs to come out but he won't go to the dentist so we're taking it out ourselves." Sighed Shikamaru.

"Did you try the string?" asked Kiba.

"Yeah, but it's stuck in there good." Grumbled Ino, and glared at Chouji who was now cowering behind Hinata. "We were going to use the pliers but he ran off."

"I have some aspirin." Hinata said softly. "It would help with the pain and then you could try taking the tooth out."

"That's a great idea!"

Chouji was given the anesthetic and Ino tried pulling the tooth out with the pliers with no success.

"Come on…" she grunted, pulling for all she was worth, and yet the tooth wouldn't budge. "It's no good I can't get it."

"Let me try." Said Kiba, taking the pliers from her. He had no success either. "Wow, it's really hanging in there."

"So now what do we do?"

"Hmm…" mused Kiba, and then suddenly whirled around and sucker-punched Chouj. He examined the ground and then Chouji's mouth. "Nope, still in there." The next thing he knew he was being choked by Ino.

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?"

"Grack..my sister…punched my tooth out once…I thought it…would work…"

"YOU COULD'VE ASKED FIRST!"

"So troublesome…" muttered Shikamaru. "Well there's only one more thing we could try." He plucked an apple out of Shino's bag. Shino raised an eyebrow. "Don't worry I'll pay you back. Here Chouji, bite this with the bad tooth."

The Akimichi did as he was told and Shikamaru was disappointed in the result. Seeing his disenchantment Ino asked what was supposed to happen. Basically the chuunin had hoped the tooth would get stuck in the apple when he bit it. Ino smacked him upside the head.

"If we couldn't pull it out what made you think that would work?" this set off another argument between the two. Team 8, needing to finish their mission, decided to leave; Chouji stood there watching his friends argue when he noticed his mother coming up the path.

Mrs. Akimichi had been looking for Chouji to run an errand for her. Once she got within a few feet of him she noticed the pained look on her son's face.

"What's wrong, Chouji? You're not feeling sick are you?" Chouji gave a sigh and told her what had gone on all day. "If your tooth was bothering you that much you should have told me. Open wide now." Chouji did as he was told. Mrs. Akimichi simply pinched the affected tooth and with one small tug pulled it out. Shikamaru and Ino stopped arguing and stared. "Feel better now?"

"Much! Thanks mom, you're the best!"

"But…but…the string! And the pliars!" Ino stammered.

"Let it go Ino." Sighed Shikamaru who had gotten over it already. Having a laissez-faire kind of personality was nice in situations such as this.

"But…"

"Just forget it, it's not worth thinking about."

_You can probably tell why this never became a guide. The ending is terrible, the premise isn't nearly inane enough, and I couldn't figure out a way to make this longer and still have it make some sort of sense._


	3. Chapter 3

"_Where can you see lions?  
Only in kenya  
Come to kenya we've got lions  
Where can you see tigers?  
Only in kenya  
Got lions and tigers only in kenya  
Forget norway  
Kenyaaaaa  
Oh kenyaaaa  
Where the giraffes are  
And the zebra  
Kenya kenya kenya kenyaaaaa  
Kenya we're going to kenya  
Kenya believe it" _(repeat ad infinitum)

I have that song stuck in my head but I don't care! The lion and tiger are adorable and I want their plushies! Yes that's right, there are Kenya lion and tiger plushies on Weebl's site but they've been out of stock for freakin' EVER! GAH!_  
_

Cliff Notes for Ninjas  
A series of "Coulda Been" Shinobi's Guides  
By Kaori

Part Three: The Shinobi's Guide to Girl Scout Cookies Part One

"You know," Kiba said. "You've asked us to do some pretty demeaning missions, but this one takes the cake Hokage-sama."

"It can't be helped." Said Tsunade. "Until we catch the weirdo who's been harassing girl scouts, _somebody_ has to sell the cookies."

"I understand that, but why does _somebody_have to include me?"

"I don't know why you're complaining, at least your skirt reaches your knees." Growled Sasuke, tugging at the hem of his skirt in a futile manner.

"But you at least look like a girl! I look like a boy in a dress!" whined Kiba.

"I look like a _what_!" twitched the Uchiha.

Naruto, in his oiroke no jutsu and clad in the same outfit as Sasuke and Kiba, rolled his eyes. "Why don't you just use a henge? Unless you want the whole village to see you in those getups." Sasuke hit him upside the head. "Ow!"

"Idiot, we're not chakra factories like you, we can't keep a henge up all day long." Sasuke turned his attention back to the Hokage. "Why don't you get Neji to do it? He looks more like a girl than I do."

"Neji is on a mission with his team and before you ask, Kiba, we can't let any of the girls do it because Sakura is needed elsewhere, Ino and her team are also out on a mission, and Hinata is completely out of the question. The last thing I need is Hyuuga Hiashi ranting at me." Sighed Tsunade.

"Hung over again, baa-chan?" Naruto was sent flying into the wall for his insolence.

The trio walked down the streets of Konoha only getting a few odd looks when several men got cold cocked for trying to pinch Sasuke's butt. Naruto wasn't sure whether to be offended (because his oiroke no jutsu form was way sexier than Sasuke-teme in drag) or amused (Saskue-teme is getting more hits than a porno site). Somehow they made it to the residential area without being assaulted (or attacked by children with a Girl Scout Cookie jones).

"You knock." Sasuke said to Naruto.

"Why me?" whined the blonde.

"Because that way you'll be in the front and whoever answers the door will have all their attention focused on you and not us. We had to drop our henges when we got here or we'd be out of chakra."

"Tsk, fine. Pansy." Naruto snorted and knocked on the door.

"Who's there?" a tenor voice called from inside.

"Konoha Girl Scouts!" called Kiba, pulling off a fairly decent falsetto.

"We've got cookies!" chirped Naruto. The door opened.

"Ah, I was wondering when you'd get here. I'll take two boxes of double chocolate chip, and four boxes of peanut butter supreme."

"With or without nuts?"

"Without."

"Sa…Satsuko, you heard the man. Make with the cookies already." Naruto gave a mental sigh; he'd almost said Sasuke. As amusing as the result of that would be he couldn't jeopardize this mission with his need to embarrass the Uchiha. Sasuke wordlessly handed Naruto the cookies. "Let's see, double chocolate chip is twenty ryou a box, and peanut butter supreme is fifty ryou a box so your total is two hundred and forty ryou. (1)"

The man fished out his wallet and gave Naruto the money, plus an extra fifty ryou for "being so cute."

The next door they knocked on was answered by a woman who looked like she hadn't slept in a few days. "Yes? Oh! Girl Scouts!"

"Yes ma'am, we're selling cookies, would you like some?"

"Oh, yes. Come in, please while I get my purse."

The trio did as they were asked. While they waited they looked around the living room.

No wonder the woman looked tired, there were pictures of children everywhere. Judging from the pictures, there were about fourteen of them (2). Amusingly enough, in the family portraits where more than six of the children were present, the father was desperately trying to get as much of himself in the picture as possible. In the most recent one, all you could see was his arm.

"Sorry to keep you waiting." The frazzled woman said. "I'll take seven boxes of fudge surprise, and three boxes of the macadamia nut cookies."

Feeling sorry for the woman, Naruto threw in a two boxes of chocolate chunk cookies for free before proceeding to the next house.

The house was as normal as a house could possibly look. Four walls, a roof, windows in the places you'd expect to see windows and a plain gray door. Looks are incredibly deceiving. Naruto hadn't even raised his fist half way when the porch disappeared and the three genins in drag were sent plummeting into the darkness.

"Wow it's dark in here, but at least I landed on something soft." Kiba said as he sat up and patted the thing he was sitting on.

"Eep! Kiba get off of me!"

"Sasuke said "eep"!" Naruto broke out in obnoxious laughter.

THWOCK.

"Ow! What'd you hit me for?" yelped Kiba.

"Hn." Grunted Sasuke, seeing no need to apologize.

THWOCK.

"Ow! Dammit Sasuke-teme that hurt!" Naruto complained.

"Good. Now let's get out of this room and beat the tar out of whoever did this to us."

Exiting what they now saw was the basement, they entered the hallway and immediately began looking for the owner of the house. They didn't get more than two steps down the hall before a hail of shuriken fell from the ceiling.

With no other choice than to back up or be turned into pincushions, they ended up retreating into the living room.

"You'll get the manuscript when I finish and not a day before." Someone said behind them. "Wait a minute, you're not my editor (3)."

"Er no, we're selling Girl Scout Cookies." Ventured Naruto, as he and the other two boys turned around slowly. "Eh? Ero-sennin?"

"Only one person calls me that… Naruto! You've come to pose for me at last! And I see you've brought friends!"

"Baka Ero-sennin! We didn't come here to pose for your sick books! We're here to sell cookies!"

"Wait, you mean Tsunade actually found someone desperate enough to take that mission?"

"No, she's forcing us to do it."

Jiraiya blinked and then slowly looked the other two people up and down. He burst out laughing. "HA! A cross dressing Uchiha! I never thought I'd see that again!"

"What do you mean _again_?" glared Sasuke.

"You mean you don't know? Your father used to run around in dresses quite a bit when he was your age."

"WHAT!"

"He didn't look nearly as pretty as you do though…"

"DIE!"

Kiba and Naruto calmly watched Sasuke attempt to kill Jiraiya for a few minutes before using the distraction to raid the older man's refrigerator.

As you've probably noticed, this is only part one. The next part has more cross dressing in it. In the meantime talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you the topic: If Naruto is using Orioke no Jutsu and wearing girl's clothes, does that make him a cross dresser or a transsexual?

1) I'm using the Rollercoaster Tycoon money conversion system where ten yen (or in this case ryou) 1 dollar. So basically two hundred and forty ryou is twenty four dollars.

2) Thirty years ago, in my country (the Bahamas), people would think this is perfectly normal and wonderful. I am eternally grateful that this is not the case now. What the heck do you want fourteen children for? You only need two (a boy and a girl) and a pet of some sort and you've got yourself a nice complete set. If you end up with two boys or two girls cut your losses and get a pet of the opposite gender. I'll excuse those people who have triplets, quadruplets etc. naturally (and by naturally I mean without the aid of fertility drugs), the rest of you need to be monitored and tested for rabbit DNA! Given the world's population and the number of children in orphanages worldwide, there is no reason for this level of procreation outside of the aftermath of severe depopulation.

3) Small Fruits Basket reference. Gotta love that Shigure!


	4. Chapter 4

Saske: My name is Uchiilla Saske and I hate everything…white rice above all.

Kakasi: Oh my God, you hate _everything_? Even money?

Raruto: Teach, teach! I can answer that with a simple statement! If I love Flora, and Flora loves Saske, then Saske loves me!

Saske: I'll dance on your grave!

From Raruto, a Naruto parody

Cliff Notes for Ninjas  
A series of "Coulda Been" Shinobi's Guides  
By Kaori

Part Three: The Shinobi's Guide to Girl Scout Cookies Part Two

The next day found Naruto and Sasuke in drag once again. Kiba's mother, after finding out just what her only son had been doing the previous day, took her with him on a mission so he wouldn't be forced to cross dress again. Unfortunately, this meant they needed to find a substitute…

"This is all too troublesome…" sighed Shikamaru.

"Why is everyone else's skirt longer than mine!" Sasuke demnded.

"Because the one you've got on is too big for me, and Shikamaru has ugly legs." Naruto stated, then made a face. "I can't believe I just said that."

"Are you calling me fat/What do you mean I have ugly legs!" Sasuke and Shikamaru retorted.

The trio got into a scuffle outside of the door to the house they were supposed to be soliciting. All the noise got the attention of the owner who sat down on the porch to watch for a bit.Ten minutes into it he got bored and went to the side of the building to get the hose.

"AAAGH!" screamed the trio as they were soaked.

"Are you finished now?" asked the homeowner. All three boys turned to glare at him and yell something uncomplimentary about the guy's mother when they saw just whose door they were standing in front of.

Morino Ibiki looked on in amusement at two wet boys in drag and one wet boy in a henge in drag. Honestly, who did they think they were fooling? "Well, are you going to sell me cookies or not?" he asked smugly.

"We've got nutter butters, shortbread, chunk o' chocolate chips, ginger snaps, lemon swirl, and the fancy cookies with the strawberry jam in the middle." Deadpanned Naruto, still annoyed.

"Two boxes of ginger snaps." Said Ibiki. Shikamaru handed him the cookies and took his money. "Oh yeah, and you boys look real cute." Laughed the jounin, going inside to enjoy his cookies leaving Sasuke, Shikamaru, and Naruto to glare at his closed door. Later on they would TP his house.

Anko woke up from her alcohol-induced stupor to the sound of someone knocking on her door. Blearily she rolled out of her bed and crawled across the floor towards her bedroom door before finally standing up and walking to the front door to answer the incessant knocking.

When she saw just what was standing at her door her demeanor immediately brightened. COOKIES! SWEETS FIX EVERYTHING! (1)

Naruto, Sasuke, and Shikamaru weren't sure what to make of this. She looked half dead when she opened the door and now she was grinning at them like a deranged mink.

"You have cookies." She stated. "Give them to me."

"Err..how many do you want?" asked Naruto.

"AAALLL OF THEM!" roared Anko and lunged at the bag Shikamaru was holding.

"QUICK! STOP HER!" cried Shikamaru.

"Are you nuts? That's _Anko_!" hissed Naruto, hiding behind Sasuke who looked like he was trying to decide whether or not to leave the cookies and run or pummel Naruto for being a wimp (never mind that he doesn't want to fight the crazy jounin either).

"COOKIE! ARRMNYUMNYUMNYUM! (2)" Anko was now had her upper body completely inside the sack Shikamaru had the boxes of cookies in. Consequently, the sack was also sitting inside a little red wagon. Seeing as he was not going to get any help from Naruto and Sasuke, Shikamaru grabbed Anko's legs, shoved her the rest of the way into the sack, and closed the opening.

"Well, we've got our perpetrator." Said Sasuke.

"Wait, we don't know that she's the one that's been giving the Girl Scouts a hard time." Shikamaru pointed out.

"Do you _want_ to spend another day in a skirt?"

"Point taken."

And with that, the three dragged the wagon (Anko, sack and all) to the Hokage Tower.

_Okay, now the reason this didn't become a guide. That was as far as I could get with this plot line. I tried to write more but nothing came to me; worse still I realized that this premise really didn't make too much sense in the first place. Still, Shikamaru shoving Anko into a sack full of Girl Scout cookies is a funny image._

1) Sugar-fiends and all females who suffer the visits of T.O.M. know exactly what I mean.

2) Cookie Monster!


	5. Chapter 5

"When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried." -

Cliff Notes for Ninjas  
A series of "Coulda Been" Shinobi's Guides  
By Kaori

Part Four: The Shinobi's Guide to Paintball

"This is a teamwork exercise designed to help you work better with your fellow shinobi and to test your skills." Said Anko, who had been put in charge of this particular exercise. "You will be placed temporarily into new teams and then enter the forest. Thirty seconds afterwards your jounin senseis will come in after you. If you are spotted, they will immediately engage you in combat. You are only dead if you get shot in a vital area or are nailed more than three times in non-vital areas. You are not to use any ninjutsu or genjutsu during this exercise. Any questions?" Ino raised her hand.

"Can we take hostages?"

"Well, the goal is to eliminate the other teams so taking hostages really isn't necessary. You can do it if you want to though. Anyone else?"

"Can I go home?" asked Shikamaru.

"No."

"Damn."

"Now, now Shikamaru. Team building exercises are good for you." Chided Asuma. "Not only do they foster friendship, but they build character."

"You'd sound more convincing if you weren't eyeing those paintball guns so eagerly."

"Can I go get Akamaru?" Kiba inquired.

"No." said Anko.

"If one of our teammates is killed can we make him a zombie (1)?" Naruto asked.

"What? No! If you're dead you stay dead. No more questions, I'll call out the teams now. Shino, Ino, and Lee are the Blue Team; Chouji, TenTen, and Sasuke are the Yellow Team; Sakura, Shikamaru, and Kiba are the Green Team…"

"I want to be on the Green Team!" Lee piped up.

"Too bad!" Anko stuck her tongue out at him and continued. "Naruto, Neji, and Hinata are the Purple Team. All the jounin sensei's will be Team Red. You'll all be given ammunition in your corresponding colors."

"No fair! Naruto has two Hyuugas on his team!" Kiba complained.

"Hmm, you're right…" mused Anko. "In that case, Ino you switch with Hinata."

"But wait, the point is to work with people not in your own team right? So she can't be in the same team as Shino." Sakura pointed out.

"Fine…Shino switch with Sasuke. Everybody happy now?" she glared at the younger shinobi.

"No." said Ino (Hinata only thought it).

"Yes." Said the other young shinobi.

"Good."

Okay just so we're not confused as to who is on which team:

Blue: Sasuke, Hinata, Lee

Yellow: Chouji, TenTen, Shino

Green: Sakura, Shikamaru, Kiba

Purple: Naruto, Ino, Neji

Red: Asuma, Kakashi, Kurenai, Gai

With the Green Team:

"All right, this is what we're going to do…" Shikamaru started to say Kiba cut him off.

"Who died and made you leader?" he snapped. Sakura hit him upside the head, sending him sprawling onto the ground. "What was that for?"

"Idiot, it only makes sense for Shikamaru to lead." Sakura glared.

"Why because he's a chuunin?"

"No, because there's no way I'm listening to _you_. You're almost as bad as Naruto."

With the Red Team:

"So we're agreed?" Kurenai asked.

"Yes. Whoever nails the least number of students buys dinner for the others and their teams tonight." Nodded Asuma.

"I will most assuredly win!" declared Gai.

"Oh?" Kakashi said. "Tell you what Gai, if you win I'll buy you and your team dinner for the entire week, but if I win you have to buy my team dinner for a week."

"Yosh! You have yourself a bet Kakashi!"

Blue Team:

"We cannot fail! Even though the genius Neji is with Naruto he cannot prevail, for I not only have a Hyuuga on my team I have Uchiha Sasuke as well! With your genius and my skills we cannot fail!" Lee cheered. Sasuke rolled his eyes and Hinata looked nervously between the two boys.

Yellow Team:

"Heheh, the first thing I'm gonna do is snipe Neji's ass." Cackled TenTen. "Jyuuken _me_ in the chest will he… (2)"

Chouji and Shino took two steps away from her.

Purple Team:

"I say we go right after Sasuke-teme and the Blue Team." Cackled Naruto. Ino hit him.

"There's no way I'll let you shoot Sasuke! I say we get Forehead-girl first and then go after Asuma-sensei and the other jounins."

"I'm with Naruto. We go after Sasuke-tachi." Said Neji, checking the sites on his paintball gun (not that he'd actually use it but the dramatic effect is what's important).

"…You just want to shoot Fuzzy Brows don't you." Naruto said dryly.

"Think of it as a bonus."

Anko watched with unmasked glee as the teams prepared themselves. Nothing builds camaraderie like pretending to kill each other in fun, but mostly violent, games. She looked at her watch. "Time to start." She grinned. "All right you guys! It's time!"

Twelve figures dashed into the foliage. Five seconds later (because ninjas don't play fair, especially not the jounins) the Red Team went in after them.

One hour into the game…

"Day one, we've been abandoned in this godforsaken forest and beset upon by evil ninjas. Already my comrades succumb to madness…"

"Kiba knock it off." Hissed Shikamaru. A bush rustled and the trio snapped their heads to the left, immediately aiming their guns.

"Don't shoot, don't shoot, don't shoot, don't shoot, don't shoot!" Sasuke came out of the bushes with his hands up.

"Sasuke-kun!" squealed Sakura, lowering her weapon. "You're still in the game!"

"Yeah but you guys won't be for much longer…NOW!"

Lee and Hinata leapt out of the bushes and started shooting.

"Shit it's an ambush!" yelped Kiba, diving behind a tree for cover.

Thirty feet away from this scene, the Yellow Team was skulking in the bushes. Suddenly a hail of red pellets rains down on them.

"Take cover!" yelled TenTen, ducking low into the bush she was hiding in and crawling to another one.

"AAAGH!" screamed Chouji, who unfortunately couldn't move fast enough to avoid getting shot in the back.

"That's one." Said Kurenai. She suddenly sensed movement behind her. "Oh no you don't…" she snapped around and fired.

"Ow my leg!" Naruto cried out.

"Naruto, retreat for now!" Neji yelled from his position in a nearby tree. As he turned to go, he almost fell out of the tree when a stinging pain in his rear surprised him.

"Gotcha!" smirked TenTen from inside a bush. "Yeek!" she shrieked. As something wet soaked into the back of her shirt.

"Sorry TenTen but it's the circumstances!" Ino called as she retreated. Shino managed to shoot her in the leg. "Gah! You're next Shino!"

Thirty minutes later…

Paint flew everywhere as the Purple Team found themselves pinned down by Kakashi and two kage bunshins.

"This is not fair! Anko said we're not supposed to use ninjutsu!" wailed Naruto.

"Yeah, she said "we" weren't allowed to use ninjutsu, she never said anything about the jounins." Groused Neji.

"Well we can't hide forever!" Ino pointed out. "If we hang around here any longer we'll be shot and I refuse to lose to Forehead girl!"

Fortunately for them, they were rescued…

"Ack!" Kakashi dodged out of the way and narrowly avoided getting hit with a blue paintball.

"SASUKE-KUN!" squealed Ino.

"Now's our chance! Attack!" Neji ordered.

Kakashi, now assaulted on two fronts, retreated.

"Come back here and fight Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto raged, waving his gun in the air.

"Gai-sensei! I wish you had been here to see it!" wailed Lee. "ARGH!" he yelped. Purple paint dripped down the back of his head into his spandex suit. Neji whirled around and shot Hinata and Sasuke in the chest.

"DAMN YOU HYUUGA! IS THIS THE THANKS I GET FOR SAVING YOU?" raged Sasuke.

"Oh please, you were about to do the same thing to me."

On the other side of the forest, Kurenai had just finished picking off Sakura. She had almost managed to get Kiba as well but Shikamaru spotted her and she had to make her getaway. Earlier she'd shot Gai as he was stalking the Blue Team. After all, the best way to win the bet was to pick off the competition. However, she didn't factor on one thing…

THWOK!

"Eeeyah!" shriked Kurenai, as paint splattered over her rear. She wiped at her pants but was surprised to note that the paint was black. "What the heck…" She didn't get another chance to ponder any further as another shot hit her in the chest. "Damn, looks like I'm out."

Similar assaults occurred throughout the forest until soon, everyone except Sakura, TenTen, Gai, the Blue Team, and Kakashi had black paint on them.

Said jounin was still in the forest. It was quiet…too quiet. Suddenly, hails of black paint rained down and he quickly ducked and rolled into a bush. Who was shooting at him? None of the teams had been given black paint. Something cold pressed itself into the back of his neck.

"Anko…"

"Think again." The voice was unmistakably male. Kakashi turned around slowly and his eyes widened in shock.

"Iruka!"

THWOCK!

_Yeah that's right. Iruka pwns almost everyone. This didn't become a guide because I thought this chapter was dumb enough as it was._

I participated in a paintball LARP of Resident Evil once, and every time you killed somebody you had to remember to shoot 'em in the facemask or they'd come back a zombie hell bent on shooting you in the ass. Sounds simple, but you have to remember to do it while other people are shooting at your ass (literally and figuratively).

It was more like high speed groping but you guys get the idea.


	6. Chapter 6

"With your head on my shoulders we could wreak civilization!"

- _Yellowbeard_

Cliff Notes for Ninjas  
A series of "Coulda Been" Shinobi's Guides  
By Kaori

Part Five: The Shinobi's Guide to Killing Spiders

Women fleeing from the bath house screaming in terror and revulsion usually meant that Jiraiya had been caught peeping again but not today. Today something almost as vile and disgusting had been found lurking around the hot springs.

"Spiders?" Sakura mumbled, looking over the mission details.

"Yes." Tsunade said calmly.

"Killing spiders is a B-Rank mission?"

"These aren't ordinary spiders."

"What do you mean?" Neji asked.

"It's better if you see for yourself."

Twenty-minutes later….

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!" (Ino, Sakura, Naruto, Chouji) "GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!"

"HOLY SHIT!" (Kiba) "SAVE ME AKAMARU!"

"…those are some big spiders." (Shino)

"SHINO! CAN'T YOU EVEN PRETEND TO BE SCARED SHITLESS?" (Kiba again)

"…no."

"It waved at me! Kill it!" (TenTen)

"Fear not TenTen! I shall defeat the monster spider with my Burning Flames of Youth!" (I don't need to tell you who this is do I?)

Instead of small house spiders or slightly large (and hairy) tarantulas, the genins found themselves facing a brood of hairy, bulbous ground spiders (1). The smallest one easily came up to Shino's waist. How the hell do spiders get that big? I don't know and I don't want to.

At the same time in Otogakure…

"Has anyone seen my gourd?" asked Kidomaru, scratching his head with two of his left hands. "I'd swear I had it when we went to harass that Uchiha kid."

"You sure you didn't shove it under Kabuto's bed again?" Sakon asked.

"Nah. Besides that got old really fast."

"It got old right after he found out he could rip-off some of your spiders and make poisons with the venom." Snorted Ukon.

"Nobody asked you. Go back to sleep."

This is as far as I got with this plotline. I fully intended to turn this into a full guide, but at the time I wrote this I got so wrapped up in reading Supah Nario Bros. that I completely forgot about it. Now I don't remember how this was supposed to end. (annoyed sigh) If anyone wants to attempt to finish this they are more than welcome. Just try to get it to last ten chapters.

1) I am arachnaphobic (actually, anything with more than six legs scares me) and ground spiders scare me the most because there are very few places where they don't live. The fact that they're poisonous, big, and hairy and you tend not to see them until it's about an inch away from you does not help. Ugh.


	7. Chapter 7

Coffee? Tea? Me?

Cliff Notes for Ninjas  
A series of "Coulda Been" Shinobi's Guides  
By Kaori

Part Six: The Shinobi's Guide to the National Anthem

"We have a national anthem?" blinked Shizune. Tsunade nodded grimly.

"And the emperor is going to be touring Hi no Kuni starting tomorrow and he'll want to hear it. Fortunately, he won't be arriving here for another week."

"So we have a week to teach the village how to sing the national anthem?"

"No. We have a week to teach a group of genins the national anthem."

And this is why, half an hour alter, the Rookie Nine were assembled in Iruka's classroom.

"Wow…nostalgic." Said Ino. "We're even lined up in front of the desks like we used to."

"Yeah, if Neji and his team weren't here it would be just like old times." Nodded Kiba.

"Ne, Iruka-sensei, why are we here?" asked Naruto. Iruka sweatdropped.

"You mean nobody told you? And here I thought you'd volunteered for this."

"Volunteered? You mean we had a choice?" twitched Neji.

"Well, yes. Didn't your sensei's tell you?"

"Kakashi-sensei you bastard…" raged Inner-Sakura.

"Why Kurenai-sensei? Why?" thought Hinata.

"From the looks on your faces I guess they told you it was a mission?" sighed Iruka. Why do the jounins insist on being bastards? "Well, there's no helping it now, so I might as well fill you in."

Fast-forward two minutes.

"We have a national anthem?" Ino blinked.

"I don't sing." Said Shino.

"Yeah you d (1)…" Kiba started to say, but was cut off by a glare by Shino.

"Regardless, you _will_ learn the national anthem before the emperor gets here and you _will_ perform it or else!" threatened Iruka. The rookies flinched (with the exception of Shino). Even though they had all graduated and Shikamaru was a chuunin just like Iruka, the older chuunin still had the power to scare the crap out of them.

And so day one begins.

_This didn't become a full guide because it wasn't funny enough and most of the jokes in the two chapters that follow involve Sasuke's voice cracking, Hinata fainting every third word (because she's a mezzo soprano and Naruto's an alto and they have to stand next to each other), Sakura and Ino trying to out-sing each other, Lee changing the words, Kiba constantly forgetting the words, Shino and Neji outright refusing to sing, Shikamaru sleeping through practice, and of course more people asking "we have a national anthem?". It was going to end with Shikamaru singing it in his sleep while the others provided backup but I couldn't make it funny and last ten chapters. If you think you can you are most welcome to try. Yes, that is a challenge. If you take me up on the offer you'll have to get at least as many reviews as The Shinobi's Guide to Camping in order to earn any praise from me._

1) Shino seems like the type to have a cool singing voice to me. Heck, if Shikamaru has a decent singing voice why can't Shino have one too?


End file.
